and by fun, i mean a quick trip to emo land. emo village? emo city? the place where emo lives? whatever you wanna call it, i went to there earlier tonight.
see, i’ve been trying really hard not to think about the fact that this was the first birthday in years that i didn’t get a phone call from james. don’t get me wrong – the thought crossed my mind a few times in the days leading up to my birthday, but on the actual day? i was fine. i guess i figured i’ve had enough birthdays of suck in my life, and now every birthday should be a birthday of win. actually, every day should be a day of win, but that’s another post.
anyway…i’d made it through the weekend with shiny pretty happy birthday feelings, and then i decided to go through the urbantherapy archives to look at my birthday month posts from years past.
why did i do that? last year’s post almost broke me down. but i kept going, b/c i knew there was some win to be had. and there was win, and it was good.
and then there was this. i wish i hadn’t revisited this particular entry. i wish the shit i said five years ago (!!!) wasn’t still applicable to my life. i wish i wasn’t in the middle of another job-hunt and still pissed off about not hearing back from potential employers. how the fuck did i end up back here? has it really been five years since i finished grad school? (yes. i’m old. fuck.) more questions ran through my mind, but they were all variations on a theme of ‘wtf?’ and i won’t bother with typing them out.
after that, the voices decided it’d be a good idea to straighten up and go through the piles of crap near my desk. i came across a photo album from my former co-workers on the occasion of my departure last year. it didn’t make me sad so much as it made me wistful. i miss having a full-time job. i am totally grateful for the freelance work i’ve had (and i’d be more grateful if people would pay me on time). it’s a blessing to be out of work b/c i want to be; my lack of income, while stressful on urbantherapy’s finances, doesn’t equate to us not being able to pay rent or other bills not being paid or other basics being taken care of. i’m not compelled to take a job that pays less than what i made when i graduated from nu 11 years ago (did i mention i’m old?) b/c i need the money. i recognize that my situation, while sucktastic for me, would be paradise compared to other people. i get that.
and yet.
and yet, i want more. there’s some folks out there, i’m sure, who would say it’s wrong for me to say that. but it’s true. i want more. and i’m willing to work for it. hell, i’ve been working for it, and will continue to work for it. i don’t see any wrong in that. i like to think that i do a good job with recognizing the instances of win that come my way, and we all know i have no problems pointing out the moments of epic fail, either. i plan to keep that up. i’m hoping that in 2010, i’ll have more win and less fail. that’s not such a lofty goal, is it? isn’t that, to some degree, what we all want – more win and less fail?