UrbanTherapy.

me yesterday: “woo! it’s almost my birthday! please let james be well enough to be out of the hospital by christmas!”

me this morning: “woo! it’s my birthday! i hope james gets out of the hospital by christmas!”

me this evening: “woo! it’s still my birthday! wtf do you mean james’ heart is enlarged on one side and has to have an angioplasty-like procedure tomorrow? his blood pressure is what over what?”

most of you know that james is my favorite brother, and not just b/c we look pretty much exactly alike. every year, james calls to wish me a happy birthday. for at least the past 10 years or so, he calls on my birthday and worries that he’s a day early or a day late. every year, i tell him that yes, he has the right day. he actually called me yesterday and i had to break it to him that he was early, but i still gave him points for remembering, seeing as how he’s in the hospital for the 2nd time this month. apparently he’d mixed up my birthday with daddy’s, which was on february 16. i decided to allow it. he seemed in good spirits yesterday when we talked, and he said over and over that he’d call again today, even though i told him that it was ok if he didn’t.

sure enough, he called this morning. we didn’t talk long, but he did tell me that he wasn’t feeling as well as he was yesterday. i didn’t think much of it, which would explain my thought bubble from this morning.

so imagine my…i don’t even know what name to put on this emotion, really…when i got a text from carol about the enlarged heart thing. and another text about the blood pressure being…well, let’s just say it was low enough for me to just pass my phone to troy to let him read it so i wouldn’t have to say it out loud.

i’m trying not to worry. i’m working on happy thoughts (like it still being my birthday) and praying over and over that james gets to come home for christmas. i am so not willing to deal with the alternative right now. i mean, yeah, daddy was sick for what seemed like forever, and the last time i saw him alive, i was willing and able to say goodbye b/c i didn’t want him to be in pain anymore, and therefore i wasn’t nearly as devastated as i could have been when he died. and ok, james has been sick off and on for longer than troy & i have been married, and i’m sure there might be someone out there (i don’t mean you guys — i mean “out there” in the global sense) who thinks that he’s lived long enough.

i am not that someone. call me selfish if you want, but my brother is only 46 years old and there’s no way in hell or heaven or anywhere else that i’m ready to say goodbye just yet. if i thought for even a millisecond that he was ready to give up or that our closest family and friends were ready to let him go, then maybe i’d consider it. but right now? nope. no way. i’m praying like god owes me a favor or two or ten, which s/he obviously doesn’t, but that’s besides the point. hell, i’m even bringing back santa — “dear santa: all i want for christmas is for my brother to be well enough to come home. love, me.” i stopped believing in santa when i was 9 years old, but that’s a different story for a different time.

so, yeah. i really am grateful for the e-cards and e-mails and messages by proxy today, as i am every year. but i’d be even more grateful if you’d pray or meditate or light candles or send good wishes and energy or whatever spiritual method you practice for james’ health. even the queen of the universe needs help sometimes.

kthxbai.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 18th, 2008 at 12:00 am and is filed under family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.