Archive for the ‘musings’ Category

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Sandy Eggo.

Monday, August 23rd, 2010

I would like to thank those people who came down to San Diego while I was there earlier this month. I felt the love, and I hope you felt it back. The trip was a turning point for me, and I’m very happy I went and was able to live in the moment for a few days.

Big thanks to Mike Glenn, who was SUPPOSED to come through Saturday but instead ended up picking me up from the airport. We then watched the brown-and-yellow clad Padres beat Pittsburgh 3-0 on Throwback Thursday. A great time was had in the left field bleachers.

Tons of love to Keith and Maya, whom I love very much. I gotta go back to La Puerta. Frozen mojitos are AWESOME.

Mad crazy love to Ellen, whose Internet-fueled friendship has been absolutely awesome. And I gave her a chance to wear her NU jersey at a football game.

Love to my man Paul too, but he can’t read, so there’s no way he’d read this anyway.

Many thanks to Mom Paluso, with whom I spent a delightful evening in Balboa Park and Coronado, culminating with dinner at the world famous Hotel del Coronado. I appreciate that she did this even while having to be in Syracuse, NY the next day. We had a great time talking and laughing, which I sorely needed.

A special thank you to those who texted to check up on me. And those who I drunkenly texted that one night.

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Review: A Night of Jazz @ CSO, April 23rd

Sunday, April 25th, 2010

This started when I was to give a professor a CD of some software he needed. I put it in a Nina Simone jewel case. He noticed, and we talked briefly about the merits of the CD (it was a compilation). That evolved into a the question: “You like jazz?” and ended with him offering me two tickets to Friday’s performance at the CSO. You never know who you’re going to meet in this world, I suppose.

Joshua Redman was the headliner, I’m sure, but opening was a young woman named Anat Cohen. A quick read of her bio identifies her as a relative newcomer, arriving in New York City in 1999. Her multi-ethnic trio powered their way through four compositions and about 40 minutes of play time. What struck me most was her energy, a quality that isn’t so easily captured on studio recordings. She would catch the beat and happily bounce in place with clarinet in hand.

A slow piece, an Brazillian composition, and a couple of selections from the album she had just put out rounded her evening. What was apparent that, sometimes she would miss her lead in, and the band would have to come back around to pick her up. At those times, she would grin at her bandmates and keep her foot tapping. She introduced the band twice, obviously happy to share the spotlight. An insert in the program indicated that she’s be in the lobby after the show, and she was, beaming and talking excitedly to new fans.

After a short intermission, Joshua Redman and his James Farm project took the stage. One of the things that bugs me about jazz shows is the fact that the temptation is always there for a big name to phone it in, assured that their place in the canon and the grand pantheon of American music has assured them of another sizable paycheck. In my opinion, Redman didn’t phone it in. But you wouldn’t have known it from the audience’s reaction.

What DID happen, though, is that a LOT of people left. Early. In the middle of the second composition, the exodus started. After he played his last, the crowd on the main floor was about half standing O and half packing the aisles. Even as he came back out for an encore, people did not scramble back to their seats in a madcap rendition of musical chairs; they were headed to Michigan Avenue and all points that were not Symphony Hall.

In our usual seats in the Gallery, you only tackle those Alps-like stairs when you’re sure the show is done. In this Other World we had inhabited for the evening, the lack of stairs emboldened people to get up and leave. The show ended close to 11pm, so I assume that the time had something to do with the rate of exit. Was it Redman’s music? I don’t think so, although there were a few times were the effect would have been doubled if he’d played some passages louder or expounded on some seemingly lazy phrases, but it was what it was.

If anything, this evening introduced me to an artist I had previously not heard of and her music although,a s I mentioned before, I don’t know if her live presence translates well to anything but a live DVD, if only as testament to her energy. Redman? He didn’t suck, but he didn’t bring anything particularly challenging to us either. A lot of chord runs, a lot of discordant drumming and piano playing into which both Cohen and Redman would insert a few notes for significant parts of time.

All in all, my wife and I had a decent time, and we certainly appreciated being able to go.

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Writus interruptus.

Thursday, April 8th, 2010

I have four posts in draft that I can’t seem to finish. Perhaps this will go better, perhaps because it’s all randomness.

-HOCKEY. With the Hawks kicking ass, and a logjam of teams trying to get into the playoffs in the East, this is shaping up to be a great finish to the season. One of my regrets is not having a big enough place to host some sort of hockey party-thing. But, still. HOCKEY.

-I totally understand people gaming the system, but to expect to not get called on the carpet is delusional. If I’ve been doing no work in a dead end job for years, and get called out on it, then I suppose the only beef I should have is why nothing happened sooner.

-Social media has been very very good to me.

-Inspiration comes from everywhere, and I remain inspired by people who create, who wonder, and who can express these thoughts in ways I would not be able to. God bless them all. And you, too.

Posted in Uncategorized, musings | 3 Comments »

it’s an anniversary…

Monday, March 8th, 2010

james died a year ago today. my original plan was to stay at home and take a quick trip to emo-land, emerging briefly to text carol to see how she was holding up, and then back to emo-land until troy got home from work.

well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans. or something. i was walking from conor & abby’s back to the train station a couple of weeks ago and mulling over the list of dates abby had given me for watching ali this month. it dawned on me that march 8 was one of the dates. i was trying to figure out how i was going to feel about changing my plans on that date and if i’d be up for it, emotionally.

then james “spoke” to me as clearly as if he was on the phone w/me or walking right next to me. i’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that he gave me the go-ahead to leave the house and not be emo. once i stopped laughing from the absurdity of it all (ask me about it off-line if you want), i decided to try to be a little zen about it. ok, james died this time last year, and i’ll be watching ali, circle of life, blah blah blah. not the strongest strategy i’ve ever come up with, but i was willing to work with it.

until late last week when i got news about some unmitigated bullshit w/r/t a longtime family friend who’s been in the hospital for a little over a week now. i’ve been pissed off about it off and on since saturday, and had managed to get myself into a state of quasi-zen today while babysitting ali. b/c, really, how pissed off can you be when you’re hanging out with a 8-month-old who (thankfully) wasn’t having too terrible of a day?

but i digress. i returned to pissivitity (i’m not even gonna spell-check that b/c i’m not entirely convinced it’s an actual word, so bear with me) this afternoon when i got an update about the aforementioned longtime family friend’s condition. the bullshit is still there but there was a temporary window into which someone impacted by said bullshit could peek through and get some clarity. yes, i know that’s vague, and i’m sorry, but certain folks who are involved (even peripherally) in said bullshit are on teh internets and the last thing i need is bullshit coming directly to my inbox.

in the middle of all that, carol & i were exchanging texts and she mentioned that this bullshit-ridden situation was proving to be a distraction from what the day would’ve meant. i felt some kind of way about that. on one hand, i’m glad that she has other things to focus on so she doesn’t drift off into emo-land. on the other hand, though, i’m pissed b/c the bullshit-laden situation is, well, bullshit, and none of us should have to deal with said bullshit, but here it is, which is bullshit.

(pretty sure i’ve set a record for number of times i’ve used pissed [and variations thereof] and bullshit in one post.)

it’s been an…interesting year. my niece got married, and she and her husband are expecting their first child this summer. my brother (he who was secretly divorced and has since married someone else) is going to be a father again this summer. back to the whole circle of life thing, y’know?

if heaven exists, i’m banking on james being there right now with our parents and having a good laugh at my expense for working myself into such a state. that actually makes me feel better.

typing this out also makes me feel better. reading this all the way through probably made you feel confused. such are the risks you take when you visit urbantherapy. don’t let it scare you away, though. it’s not all pissivitity and bullshit over here. sometimes there are lolz. :-)

Posted in family, musings | 1 Comment »

Gotdamn, I loves me some books.

Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010

I’ve been studying some computer stuff at work in these random lulls in activity we’ve been having. Figured that I’d be productive and crack open a book and take some notes. Problem: since college, I have no aptitude for sitting and reading and taking notes. I was getting so sleepy I lost consciousness for a few seconds. Then I figured it was best if I just got up and did something else.

So I got up, put my coat on, and went to the 57th Street Bookstore, which is a short trek through an alley and half-a-block away.

The penultimate Twilight Zone episode features a dude who only wants to read, and when the world ends, and it’s nothing but him and books. Then, the most dastardly, wrongish, coldblooded thing EVAR happens to him that I shudder thinking about it. (That episode is also why I have not watched a single episode since I saw that one; I have no idea how anything else could affect me as badly as that episode did. I keep a spare pair of glasses just BECAUSE OF THAT EPISODE.)

I’ve raved about the bookstore before; I come not to praise it as a customer service haven, but a place where books are waiting. Picking them up, reading the back covers, maybe flipping through and reading a few pages. Recipe books about cooking with fat. A biography of Louis Armstrong. Sonia Sanchez haikus. And I, quite literally, am a kid in a candy store. And it makes me happy to write about.

And then I remember that I can’t buy anything because I have no money to buy them and we have no place to put yet more books. But I’m okay with that. For now.

Posted in artsy/musically, musings | No Comments »

doing more with less when less isn’t more…

Saturday, February 6th, 2010

i love libraries. i love the concept of libraries – that here’s a depository of information and with the right credentials, you can access that information. i love the reality of libraries – i can go in looking for one book and come out with five more. i can research one topic and tangentially find myself on a completely different subject. i can send a message to those in charge that yes, i use the library on a regular basis.

i don’t think i’m alone in this. during my period of un(der)employment, i’ve definitely seen an increase in people using the library. this is awesome.

except…the hours at our local branch have been reduced, just as libraries nationwide have seen a spke in patronage. this means fewer staff to handle a greater number of users at a library branch that’s open ~16 fewer hours a week than it used to be.

remember when libraries weren’t really seen as “cool?” ok, for a bookworm like me, libraries have been cool for as long as i can remember, but for “average” people, not so much. then people “(re)discovered” the library during the recession. “o hai! i can haz books and dvds for free? kthxbai!”

i am not knocking those people. hell, i’m one of those people – i just happened to be an early adopter.

same goes with public transit. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again – there will always be a soft spot in my heart for the cta. both daddy and james worked there for decades. daddy’s cta pension (and later, james’ cta paycheck) helped pay my tuition at northwestern.

i have been riding cta for at least 20 years, if not longer. i know people who are amazed that i go as many places as i do in and around chicago primarily on buses and trains. i’m not alone in this, mind you. there are lots of us who’ve been cta-loyal for years, for myriad reasons.

then, of course, the recession hit. gas prices spiked, people didn’t want to drive as much (also for myriad reasons), and ridership on the cta increased. again, i’ve seen this with my own eyes.

so, of course, service on the cta has been cut, and will be cut again on sunday, barring a last-minute reprieve. perfect sense, right? just like the libraries – cut back while more people are using your services.

i saw a commercial for allstate that asks if the recession has made us great. i don’t know about y’all, but it’s made me kinda bitter. it goes back to the aforementioned early adopter thing. i’ve been clipping coupons and going to the library and riding public transit for years, and yet it’s the “new wave” who are lauded in articles for their thriftiness. am i wrong for thinking that this is some bullshit?

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A post of Internet thanks.

Thursday, February 4th, 2010

On Twitter I’ve met a number of individuals who are thoughtful, smart, and are a lot more prolific at writing than I am. They are a source of humor and often bring up things to think about.

One of the people I follow wrote this, and it really resounded with me. Suicide, as a topic, very rarely gets broached, with a number of faiths condemning it as a sin punishable by eternal damnation. But what actually makes someone actually think of suicide as an option, much less DO it?

What CBK (the author) does in this article is to examine what would happen to warrant such an act, and I think her summations are meritorious. To even consider suicide is be acknowledge an utter lack of hope, the demise of a sense that things can get better. She speaks of hope, and how one can really keep that in the face of occurrences that would manifest themselves as insurmountable. Spurred by the actions of a friend, she wonders out loud how despair can lead to suicide being an action that is even seen as viable.

I read with interest because I was suicidal for quite a while. And I recognize why now, but CBK put it into words, as well as strategies that could have helped me those years ago.

Odd, but I remember reading something a while ago that said, in part, that “no creative has ever NOT been suicidal.” And it makes sense. Someone who is preoccupied with bringing something new and creative into being likely thinks they’re going it alone, and alone is the worst feeling, but unavoidable when you’re concerned with being the next Gwendolyn Brooks, Toni Morrison, or (in my case) Basquiat.

So thank you for putting down in words what I wish I could have known. Cheers to you, Mrs. CBK.

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A new beginning? Nah.

Sunday, January 3rd, 2010

What I enjoy about this time of year is the sense of renewal projected by people around me. December snow and cold brings, well, January snow and cold, but people everywhere take January first as a new beginning. Resolutions! To-do lists! New ways to get things done!

As my wife just mentioned, we don’t do New Year’s resolutions. Not that we have an inflated view of ourselves, but it’s really no use to try to reinvent the wheel wholesale every January 1st. I personally make birthday resolutions; things I want to get done by the time I officially turn a year older. Hopefully, I’m not at apoint where I feel as if I need to make wholesale changes in my life; hell, a 200 ton ship doesn’t just turn on a dime, and neither can 30+ years of a unique brand of thinking and behavior.

What I just hope for these folk doing New Year’s resolutions is that they keep at it. I’ve resolved to be a more positive person, and have nine more months of trying to do that. A lot of people have energy right now; I just wish that it keeps up the entire year. A goal completed is a cause for celebration and a testament to sticking to things.

Long live the spirit of reinvention, and if we ever stop trying to improve ourselves or even think that we’re just fine as we are, then we’re doing no one any favors, especially ourselves.

Posted in holidaze, musings | 3 Comments »

fun* on a sunday night

Sunday, December 20th, 2009

and by fun, i mean a quick trip to emo land. emo village? emo city? the place where emo lives? whatever you wanna call it, i went to there earlier tonight.

see, i’ve been trying really hard not to think about the fact that this was the first birthday in years that i didn’t get a phone call from james. don’t get me wrong – the thought crossed my mind a few times in the days leading up to my birthday, but on the actual day? i was fine. i guess i figured i’ve had enough birthdays of suck in my life, and now every birthday should be a birthday of win. actually, every day should be a day of win, but that’s another post.

anyway…i’d made it through the weekend with shiny pretty happy birthday feelings, and then i decided to go through the urbantherapy archives to look at my birthday month posts from years past.

why did i do that? last year’s post almost broke me down. but i kept going, b/c i knew there was some win to be had. and there was win, and it was good.

and then there was this. i wish i hadn’t revisited this particular entry. i wish the shit i said five years ago (!!!) wasn’t still applicable to my life. i wish i wasn’t in the middle of another job-hunt and still pissed off about not hearing back from potential employers. how the fuck did i end up back here? has it really been five years since i finished grad school? (yes. i’m old. fuck.) more questions ran through my mind, but they were all variations on a theme of ‘wtf?’ and i won’t bother with typing them out.

after that, the voices decided it’d be a good idea to straighten up and go through the piles of crap near my desk. i came across a photo album from my former co-workers on the occasion of my departure last year. it didn’t make me sad so much as it made me wistful. i miss having a full-time job. i am totally grateful for the freelance work i’ve had (and i’d be more grateful if people would pay me on time). it’s a blessing to be out of work b/c i want to be; my lack of income, while stressful on urbantherapy’s finances, doesn’t equate to us not being able to pay rent or other bills not being paid or other basics being taken care of. i’m not compelled to take a job that pays less than what i made when i graduated from nu 11 years ago (did i mention i’m old?) b/c i need the money. i recognize that my situation, while sucktastic for me, would be paradise compared to other people. i get that.

and yet.

and yet, i want more. there’s some folks out there, i’m sure, who would say it’s wrong for me to say that. but it’s true. i want more. and i’m willing to work for it. hell, i’ve been working for it, and will continue to work for it. i don’t see any wrong in that. i like to think that i do a good job with recognizing the instances of win that come my way, and we all know i have no problems pointing out the moments of epic fail, either. i plan to keep that up. i’m hoping that in 2010, i’ll have more win and less fail. that’s not such a lofty goal, is it? isn’t that, to some degree, what we all want – more win and less fail?

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Change of plan.

Sunday, December 13th, 2009

Little pieces of me die when I can’t (or don’t) draw. So much of my self-identity is tied up in me doing it, that it just feels weird when I look at my little site-that-could and see that I abandon it for months at a time. I usually blame the job, but, 12 hour workday or not, I wasn’t drawing a whole lot when I was unemployed.

Now that I’ve started to write more, my creative energies are diverted. I want to write better, and for a while there, I felt like I was improving. I did reviews, short fiction, but writers’ block hit and my progress halted.

Now, yet another outlet has popped up, and this may take a while to rectify with what my self-identity is/was. For ten years, I’ve been paid to be the computer nerd, but I hung on fiercely to the notion that, once I left work, I wasn’t fixing anyone else’s computer but mine and e’s (with some notable exceptions). I was a person, dammit, working eight so I can live the other 16 the way I wanted to. Nowadays, I’m working 12 so I can live 4 so I can sleep 8.

But now I’m into this trumpet thing. And it is awesome, because I’m playing actual notes and whatnot. Even learned how to play “When the Saints Go Marching In” at my first lesson. Very excited about that!

So, what am I? I am not what I get paid to be, although some individuals have embraced their vocation as who they are. What am I? I’d rather define myself than to be defined, but due to time, necessity of sleep, and so much going on, I’m pulled in a few directions, but I wonder if it’s too many or is endemic on a short attention span.

Posted in artsy/musically, musings | 1 Comment »

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