it’s an anniversary…

March 8th, 2010

james died a year ago today. my original plan was to stay at home and take a quick trip to emo-land, emerging briefly to text carol to see how she was holding up, and then back to emo-land until troy got home from work.

well, you know what they say about the best-laid plans. or something. i was walking from conor & abby’s back to the train station a couple of weeks ago and mulling over the list of dates abby had given me for watching ali this month. it dawned on me that march 8 was one of the dates. i was trying to figure out how i was going to feel about changing my plans on that date and if i’d be up for it, emotionally.

then james “spoke” to me as clearly as if he was on the phone w/me or walking right next to me. i’ll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that he gave me the go-ahead to leave the house and not be emo. once i stopped laughing from the absurdity of it all (ask me about it off-line if you want), i decided to try to be a little zen about it. ok, james died this time last year, and i’ll be watching ali, circle of life, blah blah blah. not the strongest strategy i’ve ever come up with, but i was willing to work with it.

until late last week when i got news about some unmitigated bullshit w/r/t a longtime family friend who’s been in the hospital for a little over a week now. i’ve been pissed off about it off and on since saturday, and had managed to get myself into a state of quasi-zen today while babysitting ali. b/c, really, how pissed off can you be when you’re hanging out with a 8-month-old who (thankfully) wasn’t having too terrible of a day?

but i digress. i returned to pissivitity (i’m not even gonna spell-check that b/c i’m not entirely convinced it’s an actual word, so bear with me) this afternoon when i got an update about the aforementioned longtime family friend’s condition. the bullshit is still there but there was a temporary window into which someone impacted by said bullshit could peek through and get some clarity. yes, i know that’s vague, and i’m sorry, but certain folks who are involved (even peripherally) in said bullshit are on teh internets and the last thing i need is bullshit coming directly to my inbox.

in the middle of all that, carol & i were exchanging texts and she mentioned that this bullshit-ridden situation was proving to be a distraction from what the day would’ve meant. i felt some kind of way about that. on one hand, i’m glad that she has other things to focus on so she doesn’t drift off into emo-land. on the other hand, though, i’m pissed b/c the bullshit-laden situation is, well, bullshit, and none of us should have to deal with said bullshit, but here it is, which is bullshit.

(pretty sure i’ve set a record for number of times i’ve used pissed [and variations thereof] and bullshit in one post.)

it’s been an…interesting year. my niece got married, and she and her husband are expecting their first child this summer. my brother (he who was secretly divorced and has since married someone else) is going to be a father again this summer. back to the whole circle of life thing, y’know?

if heaven exists, i’m banking on james being there right now with our parents and having a good laugh at my expense for working myself into such a state. that actually makes me feel better.

typing this out also makes me feel better. reading this all the way through probably made you feel confused. such are the risks you take when you visit urbantherapy. don’t let it scare you away, though. it’s not all pissivitity and bullshit over here. sometimes there are lolz. :-)

Posted in family, musings | 1 Comment »

Gotdamn, I loves me some books.

February 23rd, 2010

I’ve been studying some computer stuff at work in these random lulls in activity we’ve been having. Figured that I’d be productive and crack open a book and take some notes. Problem: since college, I have no aptitude for sitting and reading and taking notes. I was getting so sleepy I lost consciousness for a few seconds. Then I figured it was best if I just got up and did something else.

So I got up, put my coat on, and went to the 57th Street Bookstore, which is a short trek through an alley and half-a-block away.

The penultimate Twilight Zone episode features a dude who only wants to read, and when the world ends, and it’s nothing but him and books. Then, the most dastardly, wrongish, coldblooded thing EVAR happens to him that I shudder thinking about it. (That episode is also why I have not watched a single episode since I saw that one; I have no idea how anything else could affect me as badly as that episode did. I keep a spare pair of glasses just BECAUSE OF THAT EPISODE.)

I’ve raved about the bookstore before; I come not to praise it as a customer service haven, but a place where books are waiting. Picking them up, reading the back covers, maybe flipping through and reading a few pages. Recipe books about cooking with fat. A biography of Louis Armstrong. Sonia Sanchez haikus. And I, quite literally, am a kid in a candy store. And it makes me happy to write about.

And then I remember that I can’t buy anything because I have no money to buy them and we have no place to put yet more books. But I’m okay with that. For now.

Posted in artsy/musically, musings | No Comments »

hooray food!

February 16th, 2010

i figured it was time for a new post, now that our outing to margie’s has passed. what better way to follow-up a post about margie’s than with a list of recipes? :-D

sauteed chicken with tonnato sauce: i didn’t try my hand at the sauce b/c, well, it sounded kinda gross. i was more interested in new/different ways to prepare chicken breasts, and this was nom.

fettuccine alfredo with bacon: not as nom as it could’ve been, primarily b/c i misread the recipe and added too much cheese. yes, i know, there’s no such thing as too much cheese, but in this case, it’s true. i’d try making it again, though, with the correct amount of cheese, to see what the difference is in taste.

shrimp and wild rice casserole: i’d tried my hand at this once before and decided to revisit it. glad i did, b/c it was nom. would make again.

butterscotch and black pepper carrots: nom. i didn’t slice the carrots in half, b/c they’re baby carrots and i didn’t really see the point.

weekend brunch casserole: nom. this is one of those recipes that i look at and realize that troy and i like all of the ingredients and therefore we should like the finished product. and we did.

tilapia soft tacos with chipotle cream: i didn’t actually make tacos or the chipotle cream sauce. the tilapia was nom, though. would make again.

chicken with cocoa tomato sauce: meh. i was disappointed with this one. this should’ve been epic nom, right? there’s chicken, there’s cocoa, there’s tomatoes and other yummy things, so therefore, this should be delicious. and it was. sorta. the cocoa taste was drowned out by everything else, and i don’t know if i care enough about this recipe to try it again and adding more cocoa powder.

balsamic pork chops: nom. would make again.

sausage and egg casserole with sundried tomatoes and mozzarella: meh. it was good, but not “omg nom must make again” good. i might try it again at some point.

lemon pasta with roasted shrimp: this, on the other hand, i’d make again. i used a pound of large (31-40 count) shrimp instead of 2 lbs. of the smaller shrimp, and linguine instead of angel hair pasta b/c that’s what i had on hand.

tilapia with green beans: somewhere b/t nom and meh. the tilapia was nom. the veggies, not so much. i think i want to try this again in the summer when i can get green beans and tomatoes from the farmers market, as opposed to when i tried this a couple of weeks ago and relied on the produce selection at jewel.

Posted in food, linkage | 3 Comments »

margie’s. montrose. monday. it’s gonna happen.

February 10th, 2010

what: ice cream, hot fudge action, comedy, foolery, and who knows what else?

who: me and you, yo’ mama and yo’ cousin too (c) outkast – ok, seriously, me, troy, and whoever else wants to show up.

where: margie’s candies, 1813 w. montrose. take the brown line to montrose, or the #78 bus to ravenswood, or just look it up on mapquest or google maps and figure it out yourself.

when: monday, february 15, 2010, at 7:30 p.m.

why: if you haven’t hung out with one or both of us in a while, this is your chance. even if you’ve seen us recently, you should still show up. and if we haven’t met irl yet, this is your chance. and did i mention hot fudge action? :D

rsvp in the comments, or via e-mail, or text, or on twitter. see y’all monday.

Posted in food | 4 Comments »

doing more with less when less isn’t more…

February 6th, 2010

i love libraries. i love the concept of libraries – that here’s a depository of information and with the right credentials, you can access that information. i love the reality of libraries – i can go in looking for one book and come out with five more. i can research one topic and tangentially find myself on a completely different subject. i can send a message to those in charge that yes, i use the library on a regular basis.

i don’t think i’m alone in this. during my period of un(der)employment, i’ve definitely seen an increase in people using the library. this is awesome.

except…the hours at our local branch have been reduced, just as libraries nationwide have seen a spke in patronage. this means fewer staff to handle a greater number of users at a library branch that’s open ~16 fewer hours a week than it used to be.

remember when libraries weren’t really seen as “cool?” ok, for a bookworm like me, libraries have been cool for as long as i can remember, but for “average” people, not so much. then people “(re)discovered” the library during the recession. “o hai! i can haz books and dvds for free? kthxbai!”

i am not knocking those people. hell, i’m one of those people – i just happened to be an early adopter.

same goes with public transit. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again – there will always be a soft spot in my heart for the cta. both daddy and james worked there for decades. daddy’s cta pension (and later, james’ cta paycheck) helped pay my tuition at northwestern.

i have been riding cta for at least 20 years, if not longer. i know people who are amazed that i go as many places as i do in and around chicago primarily on buses and trains. i’m not alone in this, mind you. there are lots of us who’ve been cta-loyal for years, for myriad reasons.

then, of course, the recession hit. gas prices spiked, people didn’t want to drive as much (also for myriad reasons), and ridership on the cta increased. again, i’ve seen this with my own eyes.

so, of course, service on the cta has been cut, and will be cut again on sunday, barring a last-minute reprieve. perfect sense, right? just like the libraries – cut back while more people are using your services.

i saw a commercial for allstate that asks if the recession has made us great. i don’t know about y’all, but it’s made me kinda bitter. it goes back to the aforementioned early adopter thing. i’ve been clipping coupons and going to the library and riding public transit for years, and yet it’s the “new wave” who are lauded in articles for their thriftiness. am i wrong for thinking that this is some bullshit?

Posted in musings | 1 Comment »

save the date: monday, february 15, 2010

February 6th, 2010

i’m “planning” a trip to margie’s on montrose. you know you want ice cream. i’m thinking some time in the evening on the 15th. that’s as far as i’ve gotten with this. look for a more detailed post w/in the next few days or so.

Posted in food | 2 Comments »

A post of Internet thanks.

February 4th, 2010

On Twitter I’ve met a number of individuals who are thoughtful, smart, and are a lot more prolific at writing than I am. They are a source of humor and often bring up things to think about.

One of the people I follow wrote this, and it really resounded with me. Suicide, as a topic, very rarely gets broached, with a number of faiths condemning it as a sin punishable by eternal damnation. But what actually makes someone actually think of suicide as an option, much less DO it?

What CBK (the author) does in this article is to examine what would happen to warrant such an act, and I think her summations are meritorious. To even consider suicide is be acknowledge an utter lack of hope, the demise of a sense that things can get better. She speaks of hope, and how one can really keep that in the face of occurrences that would manifest themselves as insurmountable. Spurred by the actions of a friend, she wonders out loud how despair can lead to suicide being an action that is even seen as viable.

I read with interest because I was suicidal for quite a while. And I recognize why now, but CBK put it into words, as well as strategies that could have helped me those years ago.

Odd, but I remember reading something a while ago that said, in part, that “no creative has ever NOT been suicidal.” And it makes sense. Someone who is preoccupied with bringing something new and creative into being likely thinks they’re going it alone, and alone is the worst feeling, but unavoidable when you’re concerned with being the next Gwendolyn Brooks, Toni Morrison, or (in my case) Basquiat.

So thank you for putting down in words what I wish I could have known. Cheers to you, Mrs. CBK.

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book fail

January 15th, 2010

have you ever found yourself apologizing and/or making excuses for a book you’ve read? that was me yesterday after finishing a book about certain leading figures of the harlem renaissance. no, i’m not going to mention the book or link it here, but if you really want to know, send me an e-mail or something.

at any rate…this book was pretty underwhelming. i was particularly disappointed b/c the harlem renaissance is one of my favorite historical periods. y’know how some people are world war ii or civil war buffs, and they’re all about reading books (both fiction and nonfiction) from those particular eras? the harlem renaissance is kinda like that for me. you can see why i was excited about reading a book that previously had escaped my notice. i mean, i took a class at nu about the harlem renaissance, so it’s not as if i haven’t read a book (or ten, or a couple dozen) on the subject. not saying that i’m an expert b/c that’s very far from the truth…just that this was presented as a seminal text in the field and i was kinda surprised that it had flown under my radar.

i found myself making excuses for the sucktasticness of the book. it was written in 1991, or so i thought, so therefore it came out just as more information was being disseminated about some of the folks featured in the book. i was wrong. i just looked at the book again and it was published in 1999, so i’m no longer willing to offer that excuse.

excuse #2: it’s almost like a coffee-table book. there’s lots of pictures and the book isn’t that long of a read, so one could flip through it while hanging out at someone’s home, etc. that would be ok, if if was meant just as a picture book and it didn’t contain multi-page biographical sketches of people.

and those bio sketches? incomplete. the profile on james weldon johnson mentioned nothing about his writing the lyrics for ‘lift ev’ry voice and sing.’ (apologies to any twitter followers who read about that yesterday.) langston hughes was one of the most prolific writers of his time, and there’s nothing about the short stories and other works he published after, say, 1931. and if you’re going to make a statement about how almost all the women featured in the book had intimate relationships with other women, then you should be able to back that up.

so, yeah. this book? not awesome. i’m glad i checked it out from the library and didn’t actually buy it.

but it was useful for one thing, though. i’m now on the lookout for any books or research about the sexuality of ‘key figures’ of the harlem renaissance. (another apology to twitter followers for the redundancy.) there were more than a few people who could be classified as bisexual, if not gay/lesbian, but for the most part, no one ever really made a big deal about it. i don’t know if folks were given more leeway b/c they were ‘artists’ and therefore it was expected that they’d behave outside of the social norm, or if it was just understood that no one cared as long as they weren’t super obvious about it, or what. i’m intrigued by it, though, and i’m thinking (hoping?) someone’s done some work on this. if not, i might have to pretend to want to do a research paper on this, and i’m not sure i’m willing to commit to that. if you have any leads on books/papers/websites/etc. pertaining to this, though, feel free to share them with me. thanks.

Posted in artsy/musically, blah blah blah | 2 Comments »

and now, tonight’s moment of woo!

January 12th, 2010

o hai!

i can haz win, thx to teh interwebz, and i wanted to share it with y’all. go here and then come back to this post.

i will now attempt to explain why this is awesome. first, the obvious stuff:

–it’s a free downloadable calendar.
–it’s a cta historical calendar.

now, the not-so-obvious stuff.

the fact that cta still produces these historical calendars some 20+ years after i remember them hanging on the wall at home.

back in the day, the only way you could get your hands on one of these was if you knew someone who worked at cta. they weren’t sold – something i once tried to figure out and eventually gave up on.

long-time readers know that daddy and james both worked at cta for what felt like a bazillion years. which, of course, meant that there was always at least one cta calendar in our house. i loved flipping through the calendar and looking at all of the pictures. occasionally there’d be a photo that would jog daddy’s memory, either about riding the cta or being a bus driver or something someone said at work, and it’d be storytime.

daddy & james are gone now (sigh), and it’s not much of an exaggeration for me to say that memories make up a large part of what i have left. and now cta has embraced the fact that non-employees are interested in these calendars, which provides me with another way to remember the good old days. it’s even more awesome that the calendar’s free. i would’ve seriously considered paying for it, but i don’t have to.

so there you have it. woo!

Posted in family, linkage | No Comments »

A new beginning? Nah.

January 3rd, 2010

What I enjoy about this time of year is the sense of renewal projected by people around me. December snow and cold brings, well, January snow and cold, but people everywhere take January first as a new beginning. Resolutions! To-do lists! New ways to get things done!

As my wife just mentioned, we don’t do New Year’s resolutions. Not that we have an inflated view of ourselves, but it’s really no use to try to reinvent the wheel wholesale every January 1st. I personally make birthday resolutions; things I want to get done by the time I officially turn a year older. Hopefully, I’m not at apoint where I feel as if I need to make wholesale changes in my life; hell, a 200 ton ship doesn’t just turn on a dime, and neither can 30+ years of a unique brand of thinking and behavior.

What I just hope for these folk doing New Year’s resolutions is that they keep at it. I’ve resolved to be a more positive person, and have nine more months of trying to do that. A lot of people have energy right now; I just wish that it keeps up the entire year. A goal completed is a cause for celebration and a testament to sticking to things.

Long live the spirit of reinvention, and if we ever stop trying to improve ourselves or even think that we’re just fine as we are, then we’re doing no one any favors, especially ourselves.

Posted in holidaze, musings | 3 Comments »

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